Gathering with Boundaries in Acknowledgement and Reckoning with the Harm of White Settler Colonialism
As I educate myself on and reckon with the origins and impact of colonization, I am often drawn to consider how integral the dismissal, gaslighting, violation, and exploitation of boundaries are to the perpetuation of colonization and the systemic oppression it has created, alongside white supremacy, misogyny, and capitalism.
And when I think about and feel into decolonizing work, internal and external, I am brought back to the challenging and important work of accessing, naming, and honoring boundaries and the equally as challenging and important work of receiving and honoring others’ boundaries.
This is a re-learning that we all must do, but most especially white folks and cis men, as the conditions of white settler colonialism and patriarchy create structural entitlement for white folks and cis men to ignore, violate, bypass and gaslight boundaries, as well as structural access to ‘safety’. This runs very deep and this work is messy! especially as we try to reclaim this wisdom and these skills, and as boundaries can also be used as weapons if we’re not attending to the deeper dynamics of power within and around.
I encourage all of us to learn about the real stories of “thanksgiving”; the genocidal impact of white settler colonialism on the land and inhabitants of Turtle Island (a name that many Indigenous people and communities use for what we call north america), and the continued violence and boundary violations that deeply impact the Indigenous people of this land and the land itself to this day.
And in gathering with family and friends, I support each of us in practicing setting and receiving boundaries on the interpersonal level. Family dynamics can be very challenging and very often can bring up wounds from childhood, many of which are rooted in the same oppressive conditions we face as a culture.
Here are three tips to consider in preparing for spending time in family gathering during the holidays:
1. Have a few simple and firm boundaries - and “outs” - prepared ahead of time, and consider practicing stating them out loud. Some examples: “excuse me I need to use the bathroom.” “I am going to step outside for some fresh air.” “I need to take a break from this conversation.” “I am not able (or willing or available) to talk about this today.” “Please stop.” “Please don’t touch me/them.” “Please respect my/their body boundaries/my/their need for space.” “I need to leave.” (These can also be used to support someone else, like a child, sibling or partner, in asserting boundaries.). While many of these boundary statements are simple, they are rarely easy to set. If boundaries were easy to set/graciously received, we probably wouldn’t be in a situation to need to set them! Oftentimes when spending time with family of origin, we are brought back (“activated” or “triggered”) into wounds/trauma states/fear responses from our childhood, which can very easily lead us to feel trapped with no way out- its probably the case that at one point we were trapped with no way out. Yet as an adult, we often do have a way out and we have much more access to boundaries than we did as a kid! So have a few statements prepared and remind yourself of your autonomy, your right to set boundaries, and what your ways out are can be a helpful way to prepare for time with family. I want to acknowledge that for some folks there still is not a way out and setting boundaries is not just uncomfortable and scary, but is truly unsafe. Be sure to consider and center your safety needs.
*It’s also important to practice receiving boundaries with grace! I like to practice saying “Thank you for taking care of yourself” when someone sets a boundary, as it affirms their boundary and also helps me reframe their boundary to their own care rather than a personal affront.
2. Take some time to consider (and re-consider) the real origin story of this holiday. What were you taught in school, and where did that perspective on it come from? What are some other perspectives on this day, especially perspectives from Indigenous people? What are the issues and causes most important to the Indigenous people of this land? Check out this resource on Rethinking Thanksgiving from the Indigenous Solidarity Network and do your own research and unlearning (which will take time!) Share this and/or your thoughts with the folks that you’ll be gathering with, if it is safe to do so (with this and with setting boundaries, be sure to give yourself time to sit in discernment between the difference between “uncomfortable” and “unsafe”. As a white-identified person, I know that the unsafety and true threats to life and livelihood that Indigenous folks are facing are critical and reckoning with this is worth my own personal discomfort and awkwardness in group settings).
https://docs.google.com/.../1Me3v2fdjIPBQVkzALHhg.../edit...
3. If you’re a white-identified person, notice and tend to “white freeze” and “white flight”. It’s been so helpful for me to learn and realize how much freeze & flight responses are part of the conditioning of whiteness/white identity/white supremacy. And while I have a lot of compassion for this experience, I also recognize how not knowing what to do, feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed, and staying silent are not neutral positions, but are actually part of what perpetuates white supremacy and settler colonialism. Learn the ways in which these racialized trauma patterns show up in your body and your thoughts and your relationships and practice bringing warmth, compassion, and loving accountability to “thaw” or to “stay”, establish a sense of safety in your body, and face/reckon with the impact of WSC and settler colonialism. Then, chose one manageable action in solidarity with Indigenous lives. Keep this cycle going!