Gathering with Boundaries in Acknowledgement and Reckoning with the Harm of White Settler Colonialism

As I educate myself on and reckon with the origins and impact of colonization, I am often drawn to consider how integral the dismissal, gaslighting, violation, and exploitation of boundaries are to the perpetuation of colonization and the systemic oppression it has created, alongside white supremacy, misogyny, and capitalism.

And when I think about and feel into decolonizing work, internal and external, I am brought back to the challenging and important work of accessing, naming, and honoring boundaries and the equally as challenging and important work of receiving and honoring others’ boundaries.

This is a re-learning that we all must do, but most especially white folks and cis men, as the conditions of white settler colonialism and patriarchy create structural entitlement for white folks and cis men to ignore, violate, bypass and gaslight boundaries, as well as structural access to ‘safety’. This runs very deep and this work is messy! especially as we try to reclaim this wisdom and these skills, and as boundaries can also be used as weapons if we’re not attending to the deeper dynamics of power within and around.

I encourage all of us to learn about the real stories of “thanksgiving”; the genocidal impact of white settler colonialism on the land and inhabitants of Turtle Island (a name that many Indigenous people and communities use for what we call north america), and the continued violence and boundary violations that deeply impact the Indigenous people of this land and the land itself to this day.

And in gathering with family and friends, I support each of us in practicing setting and receiving boundaries on the interpersonal level. Family dynamics can be very challenging and very often can bring up wounds from childhood, many of which are rooted in the same oppressive conditions we face as a culture.

Here are three tips to consider in preparing for spending time in family gathering during the holidays:

1. Have a few simple and firm boundaries - and “outs” - prepared ahead of time, and consider practicing stating them out loud. Some examples: “excuse me I need to use the bathroom.” “I am going to step outside for some fresh air.” “I need to take a break from this conversation.” “I am not able (or willing or available) to talk about this today.” “Please stop.” “Please don’t touch me/them.” “Please respect my/their body boundaries/my/their need for space.” “I need to leave.” (These can also be used to support someone else, like a child, sibling or partner, in asserting boundaries.). While many of these boundary statements are simple, they are rarely easy to set. If boundaries were easy to set/graciously received, we probably wouldn’t be in a situation to need to set them! Oftentimes when spending time with family of origin, we are brought back (“activated” or “triggered”) into wounds/trauma states/fear responses from our childhood, which can very easily lead us to feel trapped with no way out- its probably the case that at one point we were trapped with no way out. Yet as an adult, we often do have a way out and we have much more access to boundaries than we did as a kid! So have a few statements prepared and remind yourself of your autonomy, your right to set boundaries, and what your ways out are can be a helpful way to prepare for time with family. I want to acknowledge that for some folks there still is not a way out and setting boundaries is not just uncomfortable and scary, but is truly unsafe. Be sure to consider and center your safety needs.

*It’s also important to practice receiving boundaries with grace! I like to practice saying “Thank you for taking care of yourself” when someone sets a boundary, as it affirms their boundary and also helps me reframe their boundary to their own care rather than a personal affront.

2. Take some time to consider (and re-consider) the real origin story of this holiday. What were you taught in school, and where did that perspective on it come from? What are some other perspectives on this day, especially perspectives from Indigenous people? What are the issues and causes most important to the Indigenous people of this land? Check out this resource on Rethinking Thanksgiving from the Indigenous Solidarity Network and do your own research and unlearning (which will take time!) Share this and/or your thoughts with the folks that you’ll be gathering with, if it is safe to do so (with this and with setting boundaries, be sure to give yourself time to sit in discernment between the difference between “uncomfortable” and “unsafe”. As a white-identified person, I know that the unsafety and true threats to life and livelihood that Indigenous folks are facing are critical and reckoning with this is worth my own personal discomfort and awkwardness in group settings).

https://docs.google.com/.../1Me3v2fdjIPBQVkzALHhg.../edit...

3. If you’re a white-identified person, notice and tend to “white freeze” and “white flight”. It’s been so helpful for me to learn and realize how much freeze & flight responses are part of the conditioning of whiteness/white identity/white supremacy. And while I have a lot of compassion for this experience, I also recognize how not knowing what to do, feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed, and staying silent are not neutral positions, but are actually part of what perpetuates white supremacy and settler colonialism. Learn the ways in which these racialized trauma patterns show up in your body and your thoughts and your relationships and practice bringing warmth, compassion, and loving accountability to “thaw” or to “stay”, establish a sense of safety in your body, and face/reckon with the impact of WSC and settler colonialism. Then, chose one manageable action in solidarity with Indigenous lives. Keep this cycle going!

Embracing Grief & Repair as part of our Holiday Celebrations

I wanted to share a bit about some practices I will be engaging with next week to honor the holiday. I share these thoughts & resources in loving service- if they do not feel supportive or aligned for you, please feel free to stop reading and take care of yourself.

This year, I am leaning into my sadness and grief about the restrictions around gathering with family and friends (one of my favorite things to do). Sometimes, I feel a strong sense of urgency to escape the sadness and grief, and I notice myself trying to avoid it. Sometimes it takes everything I’ve got to sit with it. I feel similar feelings of escapism and avoidance when I encounter knowledge and remembering of the devastating impact of colonialism on native populations on Turtle Island (a name that some Native American tribes call what we now call America/the US) and around the world. I’ve made a commitment to myself to recognize that these patterns of freezing, avoiding, and escapism are qualities of white supremacy culture (and a privilege afforded to me by my whiteness), and that they are a critical part of the cycles of harm towards BIPOC folx and communities, and in turn, towards myself, as these patterns keep me from accessing wholeness. I am committed to lovingly and tenderly unfreezing around these difficult topics and emotions, and learning how to be patient and gentle with myself as I face painful emotions related to my current life, my ancestry, and the legacy of white supremacy culture I am swimming in.

My partner, my child and I will be spending some time this Thursday in ritual to recognize and remember the historical and present-day devastation and genocide of Indigenous lives and ways of life that happen alongside the advantages, privileges, expectations (entitlement), and ease of access that I and my family have to our relationship to home, land, safety, and freedom. We will also spend some time next week articulating and documenting our family’s plan for reparations (immediate/ongoing & long-term visions) as descendants of white settlers on this land who are presently housed, educated, employed, safe, and financially secure. I am reminded of this sentiment- crafted by a group of Aboriginal rights activist group in Queensland, Australia in the 1970's: "If you have come to help me you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”

And, we will celebrate! But with such deep social restrictions, what is there to celebrate? Well, so much, in fact.

White folx: In your rituals//celebrations this week- you may consider that this upcoming holiday can be an opportunity to envision and create, for yourself/family/community, new culture around this internal, national, and global conflict (of white supremacy & colonialization, and the pandemic) that we face. Lack of culture is a defining feature of white supremacy. That's why its called "white supremacy culture". We all have indigenous (definition: of/relating to land or place, native) roots, some more recent or more accessible than others. Instead of shaming/denying/blocking/punishing BIPOC for access to their own indigenous roots (then stealing them); how can we reclaim culture, and CREATE culture, so that we do not feel like we need to appropriate others' cultures to find meaning and connection? With your self, your family, and whoever you’re spending this holiday with, consider and talk about small (and big) ways that you and your family or community experience, create, and celebrate culture that are non-exploitative and non-appropriative- and celebrate those! For me, this includes cooking & eating, making sourdough bread, bone broth, sauerkraut, & yogurt, dancing & moving my body in tune to its own rhythms, walking in the woods, building fires for warmth and fairy houses for wonder, laughing, crying/grieving, collecting interesting stones, magic, singing & sounding, listening & intuition practices, gratitude, resting, playing with my child, intimacy & snuggling, self-massage, plant medicine, bathing…. the list goes on!

Facing and reckoning with the legacy of destruction and devastation of colonization, white settler-ism and WSC is overwhelming for sure. And this is not something we can unravel in one day. I invite you to consider one way that you can practice embracing the pain and constriction of your current experience- with love and tenderness- and one way that you can learn about - and one way you can ACT- in solidarity with Indigenous struggle and resistance for LIBERATION.

Below I have listed some ideas and resources, to spark this exploration. I am currently living (and I own land) on unceded Sokoki/Ozogwakiak Abenaki territory, so some of the resources below are focused on this native/INDIGENOUS origin of my community.

• "Teaching our Culture" - a resource to learn more about Abenaki history

• Abenaki Artist Association- a resource to connect, learn about, and support Abenaki artists

• Elnu Abenaki Tribe - a site for the Southern VT Elnu Abenaki Tribe

• Thanksgiving is a Time for Reparations: Article by Winona LaDuke from 2019

• The Thanksgiving Tale We Tell is a Harmful Lie. As a Native American, I've Found a Better Way to Celebrate the Holiday.

• LANDBACK: Landback is an initiative to cede/seed land back to Indigenous peoples and communities

• Land Reparations by John Stoesz

• Research and try out naming the Indigenous origins of the land you are on- for me, I am practicing saying that I live on (and own!) "unceded Sokoki Abenaki land" (southern Vermont)

• Practice ABUNDANCE mentality when activated into SCARCITY mentality (for me, this happens daily). When faced with the fear response of scarcity thinking (also known as "either/or thinking", “right/wrong thinking”), consider affirmations of abundance ("I belong here and so do every body who is here". "There is enough space for all of us". “I can honor my feelings.”) Consider the possibilities of being loving and gentle and honest with yourself, instead of shaming and blaming yourself, as you awaken to and reckon with this reality.

• Consider, honor, and celebrate some indigenous, non-appropriative practice/rituals that you already have in your life, and/or ones you'd like to grow.

• Cave at the Center of your Heart- a 15 minute guided meditation (in my voice) intended to support nervous system regulation/“drop” & to practice holding parts of yourself/difficult emotions in love & tenderness.

<3 With Great Heart <3

Emily